In Roman society, a father’s power was all-prevailing. As William Barclay wrote, “A Roman father had absolute power over his family … He could bind or beat his son; he could sell him into slavery; and he even had the right to execute him … If ever a people knew what parental discipline was, the Romans did.”[1]

Notice, then, that here Paul is not simply calling for the exercise of parental authority. Rather, he is both assuming its rightfulness and tempering it. His instruction is first negative: “Do not provoke your children to anger.” He urges fathers to exercise restraint in disciplining their children, lest they do more harm than good by exasperating them or causing them to become discouraged, resentful, or angry.

How might we provoke our children to anger? Through selfishness, severity, inconsistency, unreasonableness, favoritism, nagging, fault-finding, failure to appreciate progress… Yet such a daunting list shouldn’t discourage us; instead, it should remind us that this responsibility is entirely beyond us apart from God’s grace.

And yet Paul’s instruction is not only negative but also positive. The verb “bring them up” can also mean “nourish.” There is something horticultural about it—a reminder not only that we are to rear our children tenderly but also that doing so is no momentary task; rather, it’s a journey over many years. At the same time, this nourishment involves “discipline”—namely, the discipline of Scripture, by which the father himself is conformed to the image of Christ—and “instruction,” which involves gently bringing God’s word to bear upon our children’s minds so that their character is actually transformed.

If you are a parent, how can you accomplish such a task? It takes grace. It also takes patience. In stock-market terms, parenthood is not day trading; it’s long-term investing. It’s amazing how a monstrous four-year-old who is constantly treated with godly love and discipline can become a thoughtful and loving young adult by her late teens. So if you are not a parent, pray for those who are. They need it! And if you are a parent, consider your own approach. How are you establishing parental authority in the home? In what ways are you most in danger of provoking your children as you do so? How will you instruct your children in God’s word, and how can you see your own character being formed into Christlikeness through the experience of parenthood? In all this, remember that parenting is an act of grace. We are to discharge our responsibilities faithfully. But you will be crushed if you do not remember that grace is sufficient to overcome any and every mistake—a truth to build you up and keep you on your knees!